Seems its time to expunge my mind. I have a lot of shit on my mind and I need to get it off of here...its getting quite crowded in here. My husband is living out of town for a job, so all week long..I am here single Mothering it with my girls. My girls are amazing but they are 2 and 5 so they are at the ..lets see how far we can push this broad stage. Normally, my threshold is much higher but lately its all been too much. Too much time alone, too much time without my husband, too much time without any 'me' time, too much always being 'on', not enough time alone with my husband, too much time with my kids. All the boundaries are getting crossed and I feel like I am getting run over in the process.
I don't know what you'd call this feeling I am feeling. It's nothing I've really ever felt before. Throughout this whole fiasco, I have had my first panic attack and now I think I may be having my first depression since high school. You know high school, when everybody is depressed and is unsatisfied with their life. My God, I wasn't even one of the kids who got picked on and I was depressed in high school:)Here, I am paying bills, making appointments, arranging parties, cleaning the house, the yard, running to and fro like a effing chicken with her head cut off.I've been holding it together but I'm noticing that I am distancing myself from people. I feel like I just want to crawl up in a whole and hibernate and just be woken up when things are back to normal.
I know I should be happy my husband even found a job, I know I should be happy with my 25 lb. weight loss (even though I have lost not a lb. more in 3 months...even though I am keeping to my points), I know I should be happy that I have friends who are worried about me, a family who cares about me...but it all feels like words. You know what I mean? No one is really coming to rescue me. I'm here...alone with my girls. And I am responsible for everything and I don't like it!Sounds ridiculous right? A grown woman complaining that her life is so hard when she is healthy, has a wonderful family, and her husband has a job, she has food, and a house in the suburbs. The problem is, it has always been my belief that anything is possible if we(my husband, myself and our girls) have each other, our love, and we are all healthy. The problem is....here I am...alone!!I have my girls but that's not help, that's doubling my workload. I have had to decide between being frustrated and irritated with my girls because I have myself worn so thin from all my responsibilities or to enjoy my girls and forget the rest. I made a hard choice, I decided to forget the rest.So, as I sit here typing this post (because this IS my catharsis) my sink is full of dishes and my baskets are full of laundry. I want normalcy back in my life.
THE weird thing is once I made the decision to forget about my chores(the balls in the air) and solely focus on my kids, I went from being uber frustrated and annoyed with myself for dropping the ball to not caring about the ball at all. I feel sorta numb and that's not anything I've ever felt. Whats worrying me more is this person that I couldn't go a day without seeing now, I can't see everyday because its like reopening a wound.I'm afraid of how this time in our life is going to change the outcome of our lives, our relationship, his relationship with our girls. DO I say, come home...to hell with the bills and responsibilities, I need you. Or do we continue on this path and see how long it takes before it destroys us? Does absence make the heart grow fonder or forgetful?