Friday, April 23, 2010

Absence makes the heart grow...

Seems its time to expunge my mind. I have a lot of shit on my mind and I need to get it off of here...its getting quite crowded in here. My husband is living out of town for a job, so all week long..I am here single Mothering it with my girls. My girls are amazing but they are 2 and 5 so they are at the ..lets see how far we can push this broad stage. Normally, my threshold is much higher but lately its all been too much. Too much time alone, too much time without my husband, too much time without any 'me' time, too much always being 'on', not enough time alone with my husband, too much time with my kids. All the boundaries are getting crossed and I feel like I am getting run over in the process.
I don't know what you'd call this feeling I am feeling. It's nothing I've really ever felt before. Throughout this whole fiasco, I have had my first panic attack and now I think I may be having my first depression since high school. You know high school, when everybody is depressed and is unsatisfied with their life. My God, I wasn't even one of the kids who got picked on and I was depressed in high school:)Here, I am paying bills, making appointments, arranging parties, cleaning the house, the yard, running to and fro like a effing chicken with her head cut off.I've been holding it together but I'm noticing that I am distancing myself from people. I feel like I just want to crawl up in a whole and hibernate and just be woken up when things are back to normal.
I know I should be happy my husband even found a job, I know I should be happy with my 25 lb. weight loss (even though I have lost not a lb. more in 3 months...even though I am keeping to my points), I know I should be happy that I have friends who are worried about me, a family who cares about me...but it all feels like words. You know what I mean? No one is really coming to rescue me. I'm here...alone with my girls. And I am responsible for everything and I don't like it!Sounds ridiculous right? A grown woman complaining that her life is so hard when she is healthy, has a wonderful family, and her husband has a job, she has food, and a house in the suburbs. The problem is, it has always been my belief that anything is possible if we(my husband, myself and our girls) have each other, our love, and we are all healthy. The problem I am...alone!!I have my girls but that's not help, that's doubling my workload. I have had to decide between being frustrated and irritated with my girls because I have myself worn so thin from all my responsibilities or to enjoy my girls and forget the rest. I made a hard choice, I decided to forget the rest.So, as I sit here typing this post (because this IS my catharsis) my sink is full of dishes and my baskets are full of laundry. I want normalcy back in my life.
THE weird thing is once I made the decision to forget about my chores(the balls in the air) and solely focus on my kids, I went from being uber frustrated and annoyed with myself for dropping the ball to not caring about the ball at all. I feel sorta numb and that's not anything I've ever felt. Whats worrying me more is this person that I couldn't go a day without seeing now, I can't see everyday because its like reopening a wound.I'm afraid of how this time in our life is going to change the outcome of our lives, our relationship, his relationship with our girls. DO I say, come hell with the bills and responsibilities, I need you. Or do we continue on this path and see how long it takes before it destroys us? Does absence make the heart grow fonder or forgetful?

Friday, April 16, 2010

What Gives Johnny Depp the Creeps

Is this really newsworthy? More importantly, did Johnny Depp actually give an interview or confirm this crap? Not saying I don't love me some Johnny Depp because I most certainly do. I'm not big for celebrities because I think, so what? But if I were to run into Johnny DEpp in a dark alley, he could be in some danger of being molested:) I'm just saying.I've had a small , but subdued, crush on him since I was a teen and he was in Nightmare on Elm Street. He was cute then, now he is full on hot! So, what gives Johnny Depp the creeps? Probably some skeevy person reading an article to know what creeps him out, maybe someone who has his name or face tattooed on their ass, face, any other visible part of their body.Maybe it creeps him out that some people are so stupid that he had to leave the country to get away from their ignorance. Maybe the American government creeps him out? Maybe apple pie? Baseball? Fat women? Short people? People who have two different colored eyes? Those Mexican dog boys? (side note; they freak me the eff out because I am Mexican..and I am hoping that hairy scary disease is not some special disease for Mexicans. We are all pretty hairy.I'm already fighting a losing battle!) I guess what I am trying to say is..who cares what creeps Johnny Depp out? He lives in France, he's famous, he likes obscurity... when will it EVER be relevant to me, what the hell creeps Johnny Depp out? NEVER! OK, so I will print the article ( but only in CASE of an emergency, in which Johnny Depp and I are ever stranded on a deserted island!)

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Ode to a Shitty Friend

Dear shitty friend,
You used to be my closest friend~
But now , after years of friendship thrown down the toilet by you~
You are indeed the shittiest of friends!
We used to be like sisters~
Where there was one, there was the other.
I shared in your happiness,
I was your biggest cheerleader!
Your friendship was more valuable to me than anything else in the world.
Then, the time came when we had to grow up.
The friendship could have evolved, it could have survived, it could have flourished~
But you chose to cut me out of your life.
Returning only on occasions when you felt especially shitty about yourself and you needed me in your cheering section.
You were like some crazy friend version of a booty call.
You'd call when you needed a friend and disappear when you didn't need it.
But when I needed my cheerleader, you were no where to be found.
When I needed guidance, sisterhood, love,support and friendship,
You turned your back on me;stopped answering your phone.
I kept waiting, even coming back for more.
I figured, you needed my friendship more than I needed my dignity.
Now, the calls have become few and far between.
Maybe once every year or so, you check in~
Just to make sure that I am not perfectly happy, you like to drop in and infuse my life with a little misery.
It's OK. I don't get upset and cry anymore,
I barely even care.
In sad reality, I expect nothing of you
And there lies our friendship, on the floor in a million pieces.
I don't worry about you ever reading this,
I know that you wouldn't afford yourself the inconvenience.
There is no benefit in it for you.
Thanks for the lifetime, but lets move forward.
I have children of my own now and I can't keep stroking your ego,
And feeding your narcissism.
I am too tired, too old, and even less interested.
Please don't call me inebriated, professing love and friendship
and making promises that you have no intentions of keeping in the light of day.
I have endured my last frustration and worry over you.
I wish you nothing but happiness in your life~
But I refuse to any longer try to resuscitate a friendship that is so long dead.
Yours truly,
Someone who is finally coming to their senses

Friday, April 9, 2010

Deep Breaths

Note to self~ Sometimes an imagination is the worst thing that could happen to you. When you are alone and everything is more subject to be blown out of proportion, do yourself a favor and keep things in perspective. Hyperventilating over things that haven't even happened or possibly don't exist are of benefit to no one! DO what you can, hope for the best, and life has a way of working out the way it is supposed to:) Yes, deep breath now!