Thursday, May 21, 2009

Please ignore the following message!

This is completely for my benefit and catharsis. I am writing this post to relieve some tension.I have to write it down or I am going to explode. My head may literally explode. My husband's company got sold on May 8Th. We knew it was coming for about a month before. So,we have a little money put to the side, maybe enough to survive for 2 months. He has had 3 job interviews with one company and has had 2 with another. Both companies seemed very promising and inferred an offer would soon be forthcoming. There is still no job offer. My husband is obviously upset. This job situation has thus far ruined Mother's Day, our 10 year Anniversary, and today my baby's 2Nd Birthday. It's hard to fully celebrate with all the impending doom. I have been staying positive but for some reason, today, I feel as if I am going to buckle or completely break under the pressure. I don't know if I want to cry, scream, or literally, lay down and die. The stress is too much. Waiting is hard but for me, it is near impossible. I am a planner, an organizer, a CONTROLLER!! I am the person who had like 5 ultrasounds just to be sure what I was having when I was pregnant. I don't like to be surprised (unless its with jewelry) and I don't like being at the mercy of other people. I don't like waiting to the last minute and most importantly, I don't like not knowing what is going on. I feel like someone who has been given a death sentence and don't know the date of my execution.What can I do? I can't get a job for him. I can't call the company to check on the status. I can't be happy, when I am so flipping scared. I am angry and mean and short tempered and I hate myself for being like that, especially towards my daughters. It's not their fault.It's not my husbands fault. It's not my fault. But I am mad and I want someone to blame .Someone to hate for inflicting this uncertainty upon us.Someone to kill for taking away our home, our friends ( that we just finally found), our routine, our plans, our hopes and dreams! What do I do? How do I make myself feel better. I can't cry, I'll scare my kids. I can't keep being a bitch, they'll hate me! I just wish these frigging companies would call and we had some sort of direction and we could move forward with our lives!!I am angry, my husband is depressed, and the girls are confused. I keep thinking, there is a reason.Things will work out the way they are suppose to and we will end up in a better place then we are now.But then there are days like today where I am slapped right across my face with the reality that i don't know shit. I don't know what's going to happen to myself and my family. I don't know where we go from here and THAT scares the hell out of me!It pisses me off. OK,now, it's off my chest! I hope this helps, because I don't know how much longer I can hold it together!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I know that it is crazy to expect to have a moment of peace and quiet to myself. I know that there are sacrifices to be made when you have children. I am on board with that. I was not so oblivious to think that my life would remain unchanged. I thought there would be changes. I knew things would never be the same, but I was not prepared for the magnitude; the depth and breadth of it all. When they were newborn, all my time was spend occupying their time. My life effectively became fulfilling their needs, and I did it joyfully. After all, what could be more beautiful then being the world to your child; in effect not only giving them life but now sustaining that life.In the beginning, that was amazing. Fast forward 4 years and add another child to that equation, and now I am the dancing monkey! Sometimes, I feel like they are truly on a quest to make me crazy. There is the 4 year old who will not listen to anything I say. She will look straight in your face as you tell her not to do something, and she will say,"OK, Mommy" And not 2 minutes later, she is committing the aforementioned crime, in spite of your best efforts. This is enough to frustrate Mother Teresa. Add to that the 2 year old, who is constantly scaling the walls and proving, time and again, that gravity truly exists and whom also repeats everything she says multiple times , at the top of her lungs, breaking the monotony only to scream in such a high pitched squeal that all the neighborhood dogs go onto a tempered rage.Do all this, and you have about 5 minutes of my glorious day. Please don't think this is all there is to being the mother to my beautiful girls.They are, in fact, quite amazing. Sometimes though, even the most amazing child can be amazingly frustrating to you, when all you really need is a moment of silence to regroup and re energize. So, save yourself some aggravation and frustration and never expect silence when children are awake. Get your 5 minutes of quiet in before they wake. Live it, love it, learn it.Enjoy their spirit and rambunctiousness, and the fact that they want to be around you at all because soon that may not be the case.

Friday, May 15, 2009

I sometimes forget how important it is to have friends. I get so wrapped up in my own mind, with my day to day activities and errands, children, husband, that I completely become oblivious to the things that I need, as me, the person. There is so little time left for that part of me that I forget what makes her tick, her wants and needs. A long time ago, before husband and kids, when I was just "Me", I used to have a plethora of friends. I was every ones friend and everyone was my friend. I don't mean those superficial acquaintances that we let pass for friendship , as we get older, but honest to goodness, tell all your business to friends. Now, they are pretty far and few between and damn near impossible to make a true friendship.First of all because who has the time and energy to get above a dull murmur of attention to first finding and then investing in a real friendship.I mean once you are an adult with all these other responsibilities, who has time to form friendships, real ones? Secondly, now its not just you. You have to like them, the kids have to get along, and almost impossible, the husbands have to like each other and not annoy the hell out of the potential friend. So, we are looking at what , a 1 in a million chance?So, definitely near the impossibility level. So, we must cherish the friends we have who knew us when we were us, before we became who we are:)We also must be open to new friendships, no matter how impossible they may seem. Sometimes friendships find us, when we least expect them. I still have my friends from when I was "Me" but we have either grown up, grown apart, moved apart or moved on.Some of the friendships have grown together and evolved into deeper more meaningful friendships and some have devolved or disappeared completely. But every once in awhile, someone comes along and they feel like a forever friend and those are the ones who usually end up in it for the long haul.I have a friend that I met in college and we have been through holding each others hair in college and going to frat parties, being in each others weddings, pregnancies, children, jobs.A hundred years could pass and we always can pick right back up where we left off. That is true friendship. To find that in adulthood, is amazing. When you find a friend, a real ,honest to goodness friend, who you can talk with, laugh with, and most importantly be yourself and not feel like you are being judged or on an interview;nurture those friendships, put your heart and the time into them.They will grow like a garden if you give them the attention they deserve and you will be happier having done so. As adults, we let a lot of the luxuries of life disappear because we feel like we have to give all of ourselves to our families and careers. But if we don't keep something for ourselves, really what do we have to give them? So, don't underestimate the power of a good friend. Sometimes they can be your lifeline back to the real "you".