Thursday, May 21, 2009

Please ignore the following message!

This is completely for my benefit and catharsis. I am writing this post to relieve some tension.I have to write it down or I am going to explode. My head may literally explode. My husband's company got sold on May 8Th. We knew it was coming for about a month before. So,we have a little money put to the side, maybe enough to survive for 2 months. He has had 3 job interviews with one company and has had 2 with another. Both companies seemed very promising and inferred an offer would soon be forthcoming. There is still no job offer. My husband is obviously upset. This job situation has thus far ruined Mother's Day, our 10 year Anniversary, and today my baby's 2Nd Birthday. It's hard to fully celebrate with all the impending doom. I have been staying positive but for some reason, today, I feel as if I am going to buckle or completely break under the pressure. I don't know if I want to cry, scream, or literally, lay down and die. The stress is too much. Waiting is hard but for me, it is near impossible. I am a planner, an organizer, a CONTROLLER!! I am the person who had like 5 ultrasounds just to be sure what I was having when I was pregnant. I don't like to be surprised (unless its with jewelry) and I don't like being at the mercy of other people. I don't like waiting to the last minute and most importantly, I don't like not knowing what is going on. I feel like someone who has been given a death sentence and don't know the date of my execution.What can I do? I can't get a job for him. I can't call the company to check on the status. I can't be happy, when I am so flipping scared. I am angry and mean and short tempered and I hate myself for being like that, especially towards my daughters. It's not their fault.It's not my husbands fault. It's not my fault. But I am mad and I want someone to blame .Someone to hate for inflicting this uncertainty upon us.Someone to kill for taking away our home, our friends ( that we just finally found), our routine, our plans, our hopes and dreams! What do I do? How do I make myself feel better. I can't cry, I'll scare my kids. I can't keep being a bitch, they'll hate me! I just wish these frigging companies would call and we had some sort of direction and we could move forward with our lives!!I am angry, my husband is depressed, and the girls are confused. I keep thinking, there is a reason.Things will work out the way they are suppose to and we will end up in a better place then we are now.But then there are days like today where I am slapped right across my face with the reality that i don't know shit. I don't know what's going to happen to myself and my family. I don't know where we go from here and THAT scares the hell out of me!It pisses me off. OK,now, it's off my chest! I hope this helps, because I don't know how much longer I can hold it together!


Jessica said...

Hey there, it's me again. I have a few blogs myself, so I'm already following. :)
I stopped by here just to let you know and read your post.
I get it. I understand. It's ok to feel the way you are. Sometimes the house of cards will fall, and there is little you can do about it.
Our company was sold a year ago; to a man who is the embodiment of psychopath. As a result we did lose our home, and are now renting from my in-laws, literally steps from their back door. We lost the house, the cars; everything. Our paycheck is spotty at best.
I thought that was as bad as it could get.
It can get worse.
Trust me, it can get so much worse.
But, you will get through it. You can learn how to live differently.
It will take time, but it will come. Just understand that your human. It's ok to be frustrated, and angry and scared. That's normal.
But never give up hope. Life will ALWAYS move forward. Hold on to that, because even with all the uncertainty, it is a solid fact.
At some point you will get your life back.
It may not be how or what you expected, but you will get it back.
Hold on. There are many of us going through this very thing with you; you are not alone in this.
It's a small comfort; i understand, but sometimes it helps just knowing.

Truthful Mommy said...

@ JEssica,
Thank you for your words of encouragement. A new job has come but it brings a whole new set of issues. I am counting my blessings and taking it day by day. Hope things are working out on your end. God Bless!

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